


I Will Be A Better Me

by orphan_account



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Jake is in pain, Panic Attack, Post Prison, Therapy, amy loves jake
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 13:08:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15707856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jake really struggles after prison so after a particularly bad panic attack he decides to go to therapy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I think this will mainly be about his time in therapy, but the first chapter has to set that up. On a side note I don't know a whole lot about panic attacks so if it's not completely factual I'm sorry

Amy was laying on the couch with her head resting in Jake’s lap when she finally brought it up. It had been weighing on her mind since he’d gotten home, but she wasn’t sure exactly how to bring it up. Plus these past few nights they’ve been a little busy. But now as she was laying next to him, his hand running through her hair, she decided that she was just going to ask him. “Do you think maybe you should see a counselor.”

Jake’s hand stilled in her hair, a strand of brown curls locked between his fingers. She could visibly see the way his jaw clenched and she regretted asking. “Nah.” he said calmly relaxing again and letting his fingers move up to massage her scalp.

“Jake seriously.” Amy said. “I know that therapy isn’t fun or cool or anything like that, but I still think that maybe you should at least think about it.”

“Ames. I’m fine. It really wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“Don’t say it wasn’t a big deal because it felt like a pretty big deal on the other side. The side that wasn’t sleeping behind metal bars each night. I heard Romero threaten you that one day Jake. That had to have been scary and it’s okay to admit so.” 

“I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“Well I did worry about you okay? Every damn day and night but that’s okay. You would’ve worried about me.”

“I just don’t think it’s necessary. You know? I’m doing fine, I feel great.” Jake said his eyes trained on the tv in front of them.

Amy looked up at him watching his eyes dart around the tv screen. She wished that she could know everything that he was thinking. Every thought that he was too afraid to tell her. “I’m not going to make you go Jake. I’m not your mom. But I don’t think you can say that you’re doing fine. Last night you scared the shit out of me when you woke up screaming like that.” She could feel the tears well up in her eyes thinking about how scared she was last night when she woke up to him screaming bloody mary.

Jake looked down at her noticing the silent tears streaming down her face. “Hey.” He said calmly moving to pull her into his lap. She buried her head into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her tightly. “It’s okay.” He whispered rubbing his hands up and down her back soothingly. “I’m okay. I’m here.” 

“I was so scared you wouldn’t get out.” Amy choked out her words muffled into his t shirt. “Terrified that all of our plans would half to go on hold for fifteen years. Scared to death you would ask me to move on. I can’t live without you.” She sobed.

“I know.” he whispered back hating seeing her cry. It broke his heart to think of her worried about him. “Shh.” he murmured into her hair as he pressed a kiss onto the crown of her head. “Do you want to go to bed? Everything will be better in the morning, I promise.” Amy nodded her head and let him lead her into their bedroom. She fell asleep with her head on his chest arm wrapped tightly around his torso. 

It wasn’t until two days later that therapy was brought up again. The two ate take out Chinese not talking about it. Partly because Amy didn’t want to make Jake uncomfortable by asking and Jake didn’t want make Amy uncomfortable by telling. “I’m going to go take a shower.” Jake said when he was done eating.

“Okay.” Amy said still eating the rice on her plate. Jake threw away his cartons of food before heading off to the bathroom. When he locked the door behind him he immediately felt the back of his neck begin to sweat. Nonetheless he pushed the feeling away and turned on the shower. 

It was the first time since he had gotten home that he would be showering alone. As much as he loved Amy, it was a little bit of a relief to just be alone for a couple of minutes. When he pulled back the shower curtain steam poured into the little bathroom fogging up the mirror. The hot water burned his skin but he didn’t care, at least it was hot. 

Prison bathrooms made their bathroom look like a king’s bathroom. They had soap that was actually soap and not drugs. Jake closed his eyes as he turned around and let the water soak his hair and roll down his back. When he opened his eyes though he wasn’t in their bathroom. He was right back there in solitary confinement. All of a sudden the walls of the bathroom felt way to small. It felt as if the shower curtain was closing in on him, traping him in the shower. 

One minute he was standing and then the next he was sitting on the shower floor. It was getting harder and harder to breathe as the memories that he so desperately wanted to suppress began flooding back. He had talked to Amy maybe ten minutes ago, yet it felt like he hadn’t talked to anyone in the past 96 hours. 

His mind started moving a thousand miles and hour and he was almost certain that he was going to die in this shower. He could hear Romero’s laugh echoing through the walls. The same laugh that caused him to wake up screaming at 2:30 in the morning. He opened his mouth to scream for Amy, but nothing came out. She wasn’t coming, he was going to die in here all alone. 

Amy checked her watch for what felt like the fifty time. Jake had been in the shower for almost an hour, something wasn't right. She didn’t want to pry but she was also concerned about him. Walking to the bathroom door, she pressed her ear to it and tried to listen. She thought maybe she heard the sound of him crying, but she couldn’t be sure. After a moment or two of pause she decided to just go in. 

She knocked once but there was no answer. When she knocked a second time with no answer, she tried the door knob which was locked. Now she was panicking. She quickly found the key unlocking the door. “Jake!” She called out once she was in the bathroom. The steam from the shower fogging up her glasses. 

There was no answer just the sound of him wheezing on the other side of the shower curtain. She quickly pulled back the shower curtain seeing her boyfriend sitting on the shower floor. “Jake! Baby what’s wrong?” She asked. 

Jake shook his head unable to get anything out of his lungs. Amy turned off the shower and turned to leave the room when Jack grabbed her harshly by the arm begging her to stay. “I’m going to get your inhaler. I’ll be right back I promise.” He seemed to understand as his grip loosened enough where she could run into their bedroom and dig through the nightstand to find the inhaler.

She shook the inhaler as she entered the bathroom. She put the inhaler up to his lips. “Alright can you take a deep breathe?” Jake nodded and she watched the way his chest moved. She squeezed the inhaler and counted before having him do it again and again until his breathing was at a steady rate. 

His grip on her arm was back to being deathly tight, but at least he was breathing again. “It’s okay.” She whispered as she ran her hands through his wet hair. “You’re safe.” She whispered.

“I’m sorry.” He choked out and she could see the tears on his checks.

“You don’t have to apologize Jake. You’ve been through hell and back, it’s okay to be a little traumatized. Do you want to talk about it?” She prayed that maybe he would. Amy wanted to be there for him, but she couldn’t do that if he wouldn’t let her. 

“I spent four days in solitary confinement. It was horrible Ames.” He said. She could tell it took a lot just for him to say that. It was evident by the way that his breathing had become slightly less steady. “I think maybe you’re right. I should probably see a therapist.”

Amy nodded running her hands down his back. “Thank you.” She whispered. “Are you ready to get up?” Jake nodded and Amy stood up offering him her hand. She helped him out of the shower and get dressed. Then the two of them made their way to bed. “Everything will be better in the morning, I promise.” Amy said her arms wrapped tightly around Jake as his eyes started to flutter closed.


	2. Chapter 2

“Jacob Peralta?” Jake wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans one last time before standing up to greet the thirty something therapist. “Hi. I’m Dr.Baker, but you can call me Anna.” She said walking back into her room Jake following closely behind. “Have a seat.”

Jake sat down on the couch and waited as Anna gathered her papers before sitting down across from him. “So what brings you here?” She smiled at him and although it was completely friendly, Jake somehow felt uncomfortable.

“My girlfriend wanted me to see someone.” Jake watched the way Anna sunk back in her chair. It reminded him of when he was working a case with dead end after dead end. 

“So you don’t want to be here?” She asked. 

There was a moment of silence as Jake pondered her question. “I do.” He said after a beat. “It scares her when I have what I like to call ‘episodes’ so I want to get better.”

“It’s important that you want to get better for you, not someone else. Can you explain to me the episodes?” She asked. She had a piece of paper attached to her clipboard ready to scribble down notes about him.

“Basically I get like really panicked when I’m in a situation that was similar. It gets extremely hard to breath and I have to use an inhaler to be able to breath again.”

“What situation was it that causes the attacks?” There was another moment of silence, the words were right on the tip of his tongue yet he couldn’t get them out. “It’s okay, whatever it is, everything you say is in complete confidentiality.”

“I…” He trailed off looking down at the table in front of the couch. There was a wide variety of magazines there siting there. Some of which he recognized from when Gina has her mail sent to the precinct. “I spent some time in jail for a crime I didn’t commit.” If she's shocked Jake had no idea because he refused to let his gaze leave the table. “I’m a detective at the NYPD so most things don’t bother me anymore, but jail is a whole nother story.”

He could hear her scribbling stuff on her piece of paper. “I’m sorry.” She said when the scribbling stopped. Jake nodded. “Do you think that the panic attacks are because of solely that? Or many different terrifying experiences combined?”

“I never had these before prison.” Jake said. “I mean there were nightmares every once in a while, but I was always able to shake them off.”

“So you’re not able to go back asleep when you wake up from a nightmare.”

“No.”

“Does your girlfriend know that?”

“No. She would worry about me. She wakes up when I wake screaming. It’s already hard enough on her. I don’t need her knowing that I’m not sleeping at night either.”

“Why don’t you go back to sleep? Do you try?” Anna asked him. Jake looked up at her and took a deep breath. 

“When I close my eyes again I’m back there. I guess I’m kind of...afraid...to fall back asleep.”

“Can you tell me about the dream?” She asked. 

Jake bit the inside of his check. “Do I have to?”

“No. But usually when working through post traumatic stress disorder it’s best to talk about and air it all out. I’m guessing that you don’t talk to your girlfriend about what you’ve been through. Probably trying to bottle it up, telling yourself that it’s your struggle you should deal with it alone. I see it a lot and it never ends well.”

“I don’t have PTSD, I just have mild panic attacks.”

“You have panic attacks when something, a trigger, reminds you of your time in prison. It’s normal. Nothing wrong with it, but it does help to air out. Maybe not at first but over time it will feel better.”

Jake took a deep breath and closed his eyes. She was right, he needed to talk it out with someone and he couldn’t handle telling Amy. She would no doubt cry and he hated seeing her cry, it broke his heart. “Basically this guy in prison, Romero he’s a mass murder, he finds out that I snitched. He of course wants his revenge but instead of hurting me he somehow gets a hold of Amy.” His voice broke at her name and he swallowed the huge lump in his throat. “I’m like forced to sit there and watch as they torture her.” 

Jake could feel the tears in his eyes and when he blinked the first one fell down his check. For some reason he wasn’t embarrassed, he didn’t even care that she was seeing him cry. Anna reached behind her and grabbed a box of tissues of her desk and sat them done in front of him. “Thanks.” He said taking one out of the box and wiping the tears.

“That sounds pretty horrible.” She said. “So Amy wakes up when you do?” Jake nodded his head. “So you’ve never told her about this dream?”

“No.” Jake said. “Her and everyone at the precinct spent so many sleepless nights trying to get me and Rosa out of prison. I want her to be able to sleep now that it’s all over.”

“Has it ever occured to you that the battle has just begun?” Jake was silent chewing on the inside of his check. He had never thought about it. When he left prison and came home with Amy things felt so peaceful. But then all of a sudden he found himself scared at every turn. Terrified that Romeo would somehow get his revenge. “Can you tell me about this Romero?” She asked as if she could read Jake’s mind. 

“You’re not exactly very popular as a cop in prison. After I got kicked out of protective custody and thrown into Gen. Pop. things got really scary. I was terrified each day that I would end up shived or something. So I joined Romero’s gang for ‘protection’.”

“If you could go back would you still do that?”

“Probably.” Jake said. “I don't know. I mean Romero was a bad dude, but no one would touch anyone who was part of his ‘crew’ so it was safe as long he wasn’t pissed at you.”

“What would he do if he was mad at you?”

“Well he threatened to um.” There was a sudden urge to laugh all of a sudden. So instead of repressing it Jake let it out. It wasn’t a laugh at something that was funny. It was more of a painfully awkward laugh. “Castrate me.” 

“Pretty serious then?” Anna asked smiling a little herself trying to undercut the awkwardness. “And I’m guessing that you did make it him pretty pissed.”

“Oh yeah. Romero was smuggling drugs into the prison but the warden couldn’t figure out how, so he made me find out and snitch. When romeo found out he tried to shiv me but someone stepped in front of me.”

“How did that feel?”

“Pretty shitty not gonna lie. When the prison went into lockdown they sent us all back to our cells and it honestly felt like sitting in a casket. I knew that as soon as they let us go that he was going to kill me.” Jake reached for the tissues again.

“So what happened next?” 

“Luckily they were able to prove that I was innocent so I got extradited before things got bad.”

“So you nearly escaped death?” 

“Yeah that seems to be the story of my life.”

Anna looked down to check her watch. “Shoot, we are almost out of time.” Jake nodded. “So before I see you again, I want you try to talk to Amy. Tell her about your dream and about everything that happened in prison.”

“I don’t know.” Jake said. 

“I’m not going to make you but I think you should tell her everything you just told me. She sounds like she really cares about you. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she is hurting too?”

Jake pursed his lips together. He hadn’t really thought about but now that Anna said that he wondered. There was a knock at the door and Anna went to open it for her next patient. “It was nice meeting you. I look forward to seeing you next week.” She said as she shock Jake’s hand before he walked out of the room. 

In the parking garage he was surprised to find Amy sitting on the hood of his car. “Hey!” He beamed. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought I would come by and see how it went.” She stood up and wrapped her arms around his neck placing a light kiss to his lips. “I am so proud of you.”

“Why?” Jake asked.

“Because I know it’s not easy for you to talk about this stuff. But I want you to get better.”

“Me too.” Jake said smiling down at his wonderful girlfriend. “You ready?” Amy nodded getting into the passenger seat of his car. “Did you not drive here?”

“No I was at the stationery store across the street.” He nodded as he pulled out of the parking garage. The whole way home his eyes seemed to keep shifting off the road and over to where she was dancing in her seat singing along to Taylor Swift. He would find a way to be okay. He had to.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated :)


End file.
